How to Forge Healthy Friendships

Deep friendship is elusive to many today. But there are real steps we can take toward excellent companionship.

In his brilliant treatise of where (and how) beautiful friendships are created, former pastor Timothy Keller said true friendships spring up unpredictably.

The meeting is a moment of kismet. For some reason, there’s natural, mutual affinity. We find people that we align with and we are instantly (or over time) connect with them. And this is good. 

So my experience validates.

David walked into my apartment to visit my roommate. Brian served me info packets and food at a meeting he co-hosted. Dustin introduced himself and his wife while we were standing in the lobby of a theatre. Nate was my college-friends' little brother. 

As I listened to Keller wax eloquently, it was the next part of the message that slapped me in the face—explained with such clarity so as to give shape to emotions I had but never organized.

Once friendships occur, they take concerted effort.

They take forging. 

And according to Keller, there are four key attributes of forging: constancy, carefulness, candor, and council.

Four Attributes of Healthy Friendships

Constancy

Spending regular time around one another. This is maybe the simplest attribute to understand but the toughest to enact. Our culture is so busy that we have to squeeze in time with one another: "I have 30 minutes on Thursday and then not again until about an hour Tuesday afternoon. Either work?" 

But friendship isn't just lived in the black and white—being present and absent—it's lived in the gray—moments where people are simply living life around one another. No agenda. Nothing to rush off to. Just people being around one another, opening themselves up for whatever conversation or activity that may or may not happen. 

Whether planned or off the cuff, it takes time to be intentional. And something beautiful happens in that regular time.

Candor

Real friends are honest with one another. It may not be easy but it is true. It's forthright and true at the risk of rejection from the hearer. Rebuke, if necessary, is better than hidden truth and encouragement in the face of potential trial. This is not contrary to love but an important part of it. 

Carefulness

We are thoughtful and circumspect about how we care for one another. This means knowing someone well and doing our best to speak to them how they hear and understand, in empathy, how they feel emotions and sensitively care for them in this way. 

It’s not easy or simple to take the time to be empathetic enough to be careful. And I think people are often more focused on themselves than empathetic for others.

Counsel

We speak words of wisdom to one another when the time is right. With transparency, we encourage towards growth without being afraid to challenge. The balance there is precarious, but it is beautiful. 

This isn’t about telling people what to do. It’s about knowing them well enough that we know the times it’s beneficial to saying nothing and the times it’s beneficial to not. This is about what’s right and, though it may not seem like it, an act of love.

The Crux

This paints a beautiful picture of how to form strong, long-lasting friendships. Difficult to exercise, but gorgeous. Beyond those attributes, however, Keller spoke of a strength to live this out in spite of our personal strength. 

In fact, as Keller put it: "When faced with the decision to die or never be with his friends again, Jesus chose death." 

Beyond our own strength to love people regardless of if they're caring for us well or not, we can rest in living in the power of Christ, who cares for us regardless of how we've behaved. And though he never condones our sinful, hurtful behavior, he always loves us in spite of it. 

If he, in all his glory can suffer for us out of love, then certainly we can care for others of if they're disappointing us—regardless of the level. 

Certainly with this grace in mind, coupled with those four attributes of friendship, we can have wonderful, powerful community in our lives. We need only lean in and do our best, even when our best isn’t good enough.