Risking to Raise Whole Children Through Grief
Failure, experience, and facing decisions are core parts of being a human—ones we're stealing from our children.
The day glowed—pristine—and from around the shrubs, as I sat writing in a park, I heard: "Maverick! Come here, Maverick!" This continued for 45 minutes.
"MAVERICK!" "Get over here!" "MAVERICK...MAVERICK!!"
Obviously, I don't know exactly why that mother was hawking over her son that day, but this type of parenting over a child is all too common and terribly unhealthy. It reminds me, as well, of another experience, one that was completely opposite and left a lasting impact on me.
Parenting, Even Through Grief
As the waning sun prepared to disappear behind towering pines, I stood in a park chatting with a dear friend who'd lost his father a week prior. We discussed the complexity, difficulty, and beauty of life while his two children buzzed around their father and went off according to their whimsy.
Out of nowhere, one sprinted 50 yards to a tree, then wandered across the park to play with a person's dog. Meanwhile, the other started climbing back and forth over a chain-linked fence, repeatedly.
My friend didn't yell at them to come back nor did he break off our conversation. They weren't breaking any laws or being overtly dangerous, so he simply watched them as they ventured according to where their hearts took them.
Some parents may consider this irresponsible, but I think I was witnessing one of the best jobs of parenting I've seen.
Helicopter parents soar over their children, wasting their energy and preventing their children (and themselves) from experiencing life more fully from the perspective that it can be lived of their own accord, without the need of a parent to scoop them up if they fall or be there to think for them on what is and isn't good.
On the contrary, this father knew that his children's experiences were as important as the outcomes—especially since they just lost their grandfather. In fact, one bluntly told me, in proper adult sentences, "My grandpa's gone. I'm still really sad."
Life is complex. When we challenge our children to understand how to handle those complexities, we teach them how to be grown humans.
This friend and his wife also allowed their two children the painful experience of going in and seeing their grandfather's body before he was wrapped and buried. They went in to say "goodbye," to feel the weight of his forever absence. What difficulty, but what brilliance—to allow your children to feel that pain, being met with life's impermanence.
Not an easy thing—allowing your children to suffer—but a beautiful thing.
The Risk of All Life
Parents who allow this children the honor of handling these complexities are taking great risks.
They risk their children getting hurt in myriad ways. But more than that, they give their children the opportunity to learn how to handle life's nuances. This ability is the breath in their lungs, it's the unwrapping of the unique person who's already under their skin.
This is what God did to us: at great expense, he risked giving us the ability to make decisions for ourselves. And though sometimes we make terrible mistakes, he redeems them. In that, there is something wonderfully divine and loving in teaching our children the best we can, along the way empowering them to be more and more bold, daring, and truly themselves.
In the midst of personal tragedy, my friend and his wife were at their parental best. And certainly their children, whatever may befall them, will be all the better for it—as will those around them.
